Welcome to the first ever edition of Creepy Wednesday, where I will be roasting the popular creepypasta "Jeff the Killer". Its an 8.7/10 on creepypasta.com, making it one of the more highly ranked pastas on the internet.
Lets begin with the most popular picture of Jeff. Someone I know actually thought that it was a picture of Barney. I kid you not.
And yes, the more you look at it, the more similar it all becomes. "Seriously, I thought someone just took a picture of Barney, screwed around with it, and added some scary music." And since I'm not completely done with poking at the completely laughable illustration, click here for some truly hilarious April Fools Jeff the Killer art.
Alright, enough with the crack. Here is the link to the original Jeff the Killer creepypasta. Its riddled with awkward errors ("That is until Saturday, when Jeff is woke up by his mother, with a happy, sunshiny face") and the writing style has the effect of making the reader feel vaguely uncomfortable, not in the pleasant, creepy, fearful way, but in the "man everything about the dialogue and story line is stilted and forced" way. The tone of the "little boy"'s story in the newspaper excerpt at the beginning is completely unrealistic, as he uses words such as "ominous", "horrendous", and describes Jeff's eyes as the eyes of a "mad-man". As well, the newspaper headline. "OMINOUS UNKNOWN KILLER IS STILL AT LARGE". Ominous unknown killer.
Remember now, the amount of realism poured into a creepypasta is directly proportionate to how scary it is. The "fight scene" in the story involving Jeff and the bullies at the party was completely unrealistic, and the descriptions were, again, uncomfortable and forced. In fact, uncomfortable and forced might be the two perfect words to describe this story. Twelve year old boys throwing kids through patio doors? Dumping vodka and using lighters? (Where does one get vodka at a prepubescent boy's birthday party, thats what I'd like to know.) Add to this the crowd of people that was supposedly in attendance, then keep in mind that not a single person came to the kid's defense.
I could go through this creepypasta and pick it apart line by line, but then this post would likely surpass Tolstoy's War and Peace. ("Not he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his parents didn't know")
Oh, did I mention that these twelve year old boys had guns?
(Quote: "I'm sorry, is this in America? That makes perfect sense." **Insert Canadian anthem here**)
If there is anything redeeming about this story, its in the last line. "Go to sleep" is a wonderfully creepy, appropriate line, and its a pity that its now all but monopolized by this crappy ass pasta. One of the marvels of the Internet is that any twelve year old can slap together a half-assed "scary story" and possibly get a couple million hits.
---
Agree/Disagree? What Creepypasta should I roast next? Leave me your comments below. Subscribe by email if you want to be notified when there are new posts. Check back next week for more Creepy Wednesday posts.
No comments:
Post a Comment